January 20, 2008
So You Take This Long Needle, And...
Well I am happy to say I still don't have a tumor, but I do have pseudotumor cerebri. After a visit to the neuro-ophthalmologist, and an appointment with a very long thin needle, it's been confirmed. So what does that mean for me? This is one of those really Fun illnesses that the world of medicine doesn't really understand. Great, eh? Instead what they do know is that this disease occurs most often in young overweight women. And that's me! So the treatment involves losing weight and taking a diuretic. The weight loss is meant to reverse the over production or poor drainage (whichever it is, they don't really know) of my cranial fluid, and the diuretic is meant to reduce balance of fluids in my body and decrease my elevated cranial pressure. The lumbar puncture isn't the end of the story, I need to make a follow up appointment to monitor my optic nerve swelling (which is created by the heightened cranial pressure). If left unmonitored or untreated it could permanently impair my vision. Of course, that won't be the path I will take.
However, I am really concerned. The primary treatment for my condition is weight loss, which just happens to be the area in my life where I struggle the most. At the moment I am doing Weight Watchers, and I am headed to the gym in my office. But I don't know what to do honestly. I have tried many programs and plans over the years -- plans radical, hair brained and sensible. I am clearly missing something of else I would happily be a healthy weight right now. So what's wrong? That's what I plan to find out.
So stay tuned for more weight loss angst, health excitement and a surprise this Spring semester that will appear to come from left field. Hold tight!
Quote of the Day:
Fear is a question: What are you afraid of, and why? Just as the seed of health is in illness, because illness contains information, our fears are a treasure house of self-knowledge if we explore them.
-Marilyn Ferguson
July 20, 2007
Kicking Off Kitchen Chaos
Let the madness begin!
Beau has been working on both top floor bathrooms and various other projects including installing new entry doors and a new banister over the last 6 weeks. Now that the bathrooms are complete except for the painting (which Flounder and I will do) it's time to start the kitchen!
We are replacing the cabinets, counters, stove, rearranging the kitchen layout and installing a new over-stove microwave and painting the whole space. It's very exciting and going to be a Big Mess for probably about a month. The demolition will start on Monday, which means Flounder and I will be emptying the kitchen this weekend. I am not really looking forward to storing my kitchen ware and what not in the basement! I know that Signe and anyone else who has undertaken kitchen improvements can feel my pain. But really I am not complaining, just trying to wrap my head around what to expect in the coming weeks. I am just beyond excited about the new, better organized, functional kitchen that we will have once it's done.
The timing couldn't be more perfect since Mi Mama had officially handed me the reins of cooking our family Thanksgiving mean. *sigh* I can't wait to use the new stove!
Speaking of cooking...I am loath to even bring it up here but I feel I must. I am joining Weight Watchers again this weekend. My road to weight loss has been a very rocky one, as you probably know. I have tended to share more of my successes then my set backs in this space, but I can say today that it is painful to me to know how much time I have spent striving toward losing weight and how much time I have wasted backsliding. It's embarrassing. But I have to move forward, so there you go. Weight Watchers worked well for me last time (as long as I stayed focused) until I decided the process was taking too long and upped the ante with a more drastic program. So I am back to this old standby that allows the client to eat real food and hopfully learn the skills needed to keep it off. Please cross your fingers, I will need the good luck!
And with that I will wrap up the last of three blog entries for today. When it rains it pours I guess.
Posted by La at 11:41 AM | Comments (1)April 2, 2007
Not Dead
Just a quick update to clarify that no, I am not dead. Life has been in a sort of holding pattern lately, primarily because I have been so hormonally out of wack that I don't trust myself to make a rational life decision.
OK that is not completely true. I have made one sound decision. For the last several days I been attempting to restart a South Beach eating plan, but the previously mentioned hormonal irrationality has made consistant food choices an even bigger issue than usual. Oh, and I have a prechant for unecessary works and run on sentences.
So there it is. Not dead, Still eatting to much and emotionally irrational. Yep, that's it.
Quote of the Day:
If a man be gracious and courteous to strangers, it shows he is a citizen of the world, and that his heart is no island cut off from other lands, but a continent that joins to them.
-Francis Bacon
August 11, 2006
A La Shaped Dent In The Couch
I have fond memories of going away for a week to visit my grandparents and coming home to find my Mom had done something new or different to my room. I always enjoyed coming home to find my room freshly painted, super-duper clean or re-arranged. Especially since I always kept my room such a mess, a neat orderly space was a nice surprise. Because of that positive experience I like to do the same for Flounder when he goes out of town. Once or twice a year (he doesn't travel very much without me!) I will make a short project list and embark on a few home improvement to surprise him with when he returns. Not this time. I just couldn't rally the energy or motivation to drag my behind off the couch and get to work. Sad no? I know why too. I am not depressed or ill, I am unhealthy. I have been feeding my body crap fuel, and it doesn't want to run smoothly. My state of health is keeping me from doing the things I want to do, and I have only myself to blame.
Remember the recent hoopla about the South Beach diet? Yeah me too. I lasted about a week and a half. It was a work-intensive diet, but I felt better while I was working the program and it was a diet that was still do-able at social events. Why didn't it stick? I thought I could cheat the rules. You know that old jem from our friend Ben Franklin, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?" Well that is where I have been for quite sometime when it comes to my eating habits. I start a new program and it's effective, I start to lose, and then I start to fiddle. I add in foods I am not supposed to have, or change the portion size. Why must I futz with a good thing? Lather, rinse, repeat -- no matter which plan I am on I repeat the same behavior.
Lord, I am tired or thinking and planning and writing and obsessing about my weight. So what am I going to do about it? The broken refigerator was a blessing is disguise. I now have an empty, clean function fridge. I have been given the perfect opportunity to fill it with fresh, healthy summer produce and lean meats. It's back to South Beach for me, because it diet plan isn't flawed, I am. So while I am chopping an hour per day to keep our house full of prepared veggies I will also be thinking over why I repeatedly sabotage myself.
Quote of the Day:
We think fast food is equivalent to pornography, nutritionally speaking.
Steve Elbert
June 20, 2006
In Preperation
You have heard it here before. I am talking again about dieting. I made a big tadoo last year about the FMH program, where I was able to lose weight rapidly, but I wasn't able to hang with it and have since gained all the weight back plus a pound or two. Since I went off the program, my focus has been to fit in my wedding dress. I had to have the dress let out, but I did succeed in that goal, now it is time for a new one!
Flounder and I have agreed on a few goals for the first year of our marriage. The most important #1 goal is to make major strides on cultivating a healthier lifestyle and imporving our health. To modivate us, we will be planning a physically challanging "adventure" trip to work towards. The even longer-term goal is to maintain these habits as we start a family, but first things first. We will also be focusing on our long term financial planning, as well as short-term money management. I am also going to make a priority of entertaining more and making more time for my friends. I have been hanging out in the "relationship vaccum" for a while now.
In order to achieve our most imporant goal, Flounder, Mi Mama and I are starting the South Beach Diet on Sunday. It sounds like a very nutritionally sound path to take, and I know my primary physican approves.
In order to accomplish my goal of entertaining more often, I am having an open house for our extended family this coming Saturday. The happy homemaker in me is enjoying the preperations for the party. I hope people come!
Posted by La at 11:11 AM | Comments (2)January 12, 2006
Getting Into Trouble
As I work my way further into 2006 I am already finding some foods that are tripping me up. Below are some items I must shun ifI am to fit in my wedding dress come May 27th!
Starbuck's Cinnamon Dolce Latte
Out with the fantastic Gingerbread Latte and in with my new nemisis. This new sugar ladden beverage is very yummy in a comforting, sugar cookie kind of way. One a week quickly became 3 per week. No good.
My alternative: Tazo Chai tea made at home
Pictured above is my favorite "Coffee Lovers Only" flavor combination. CSC is the Starbucks of the ice cream world, a place where you can personalize your treat. V. dangerous. There are so many options and the portions are so large -- I should really just stay away.
My alternative: Gelato! It is naturally lower in fat than American ice cream, and there isn't any gelatorias in my town. Less access means less in my tummy.
Please don't think that these are my only problem areas. If only that were case. Look for more installments of foods that get me into trouble.
Quote of the Day:
Self-respect is the fruit of discipline; the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.
Rabbi Abraham Heschel
December 16, 2005
In The Closet
I have a classic problem. A closet full of clothes and nothing the wear. The vast majority of mr clothes that fit are fit are only appropriate for warm weather. I have been cycling 1 sweater, 1 sweater set, a few short sleeve blouses and 3 pairs of pants for 2 months now. I am bored and looking a bit shabby. I can't wait to take advantage of the post-Christmas sales. Bring on some soild basic duds! I seriously don't care if the items I purchase are too big in a month I want to spend January feeling good about my fashion choices. This brings us to my New Years resolution. I want to step it up in the fashion department. I have spent too many years putting too little effort into my appearence. Don't expect a fashion plate over night. Incremental changes are key. Perhaps J. Wo would like to go shoe shopping with me.
Quote of the Day:
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922 - ), Slaughterhouse Five
December 7, 2005
Shaken Up
I have lost that loving feeling for my diet. Lets be real here, I lost it a few months ago and I have been adrift ever since. It's not that I stopped caring about my weight and my health. I just stopped taking action. It's like a light switch was flicked off, shutting down my resolve.
I am not writing about this issue because I am looking for advise. Rather I am hoping that by documenting my situation, by writing it down I might be able to find a solution to my stagnation.
I feel a little hopeless and more than a little embarassed that I have stumbled yet again.
Posted by La at 4:36 PM | Comments (0)November 4, 2005
Going Public
I have been off my weight loss program for several months now. I would say the last time I was doing "all the right things" was in July. No wonder I am gaining weight! So what went wrong? That's the tough question at hand. I am not exactly sure. I think more stress entered my life and I wasn't able to handle the new stress without food. I still need to work on that. Its a biggy.
What I do know is I need to start working at creating a healthy body again. I have not only been off my diet, I have been eating every bad food with in my reach. I have not been working out. The worst part is I know this behavior is taking it's toll on my body. It stops now.
Tomorrow I am going to weigh in for the first time in at least a month and face the music. I am going to follow the new direction program. I am going to meet with the Dietian about trying a modified program that involves both food and shakes, not just shakes alone. I am start going to the gym at least 2 time a week and work up from there. I will remain accountable by reporting back to a friend who is alson workin the program and by reporting my progress here on my blog.
There I feel better already. Don't you?
September 21, 2005
Who Ever Said It Was Easy?
I had a really good appointment with the Behavorist at FMH last night. It was really useful, though she wasn't doling out any quick fixes. The strategy she gave me will be effective I think, but it will be a real challenge. So don't mind me if I seem overly introspective in the coming weeks. I have work to do.
Quote of the Day:
"You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it come true. You may have to work for it, however."
-Richard Bach
August 24, 2005
Fill 'Er Up
The last few weeks I have really been struggling with food. The past few days however have been a full out disaster. I have been eating all kinds of terrible foods and instantly regreting it. But the regret hasn't stopped me. Eat, Regret, Repeat. Why, oh why have I been doing this?
After a great discussion last night, I have come to realize that I was seeking out food as a comfort, out of habit. I believe this habit has resurfaced because I have been facing down some serious demons lately (EBF, School...) Here's the kicker though, I haven't gotten any comfort out of the food I've eaten. And that is a good thing! It's good because getting nothing but negative feelings as result of those bad choices doesn't reinforce and encourage that behavior. It is also good because it helps to show me that I am dealing with the challenges that I am facing rather than allowing myself to hide behind food. I am not sure if that explination is going to makes sense to anyone else, but it is crystal clear for me.
So how do I kick the habit? Most anyone who has tried to break a habit will tell you to replace the negative habit with a positive one. I used to fill my life with food. Snacking, social eating and the like. What will I fill my life with now? That's the real question I need to answer.
Quote of the Day:
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
August 13, 2005
6!
I got a very exciting news at my weight in. For the last two weeks I have lost 6 pounds. That's right! A beautiful new total of 61 pounds down!
Quote of the Day:
"Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit."
-Kahlil Gibran, "The Vision"
August 4, 2005
One Fine Day
Today I had a perfect on program day. I stuck entirely to the plan, drank 2 liters of water and didn't have any "table food" at all. The feeling of accomplishment I have right now is far better than any food tastes. The best part is getting through today makes the prospect of getting through tomorrow (and the next day and the day after that...) seem much more bearable. Don't think for a second that I am going to let me guard down now. Oh no! That's the monkey business that lead me off track in the first place.
I met up with my friend from the program, Jill. We traded stories and encoragement over diet cokes at the local Burger Thing. Jill was kind enough to pass on some lovely clothes she can no longer wear and I can almost fit into. Yay for clothing goals! Most of the pieces are 16 or 1x. Exactly what I need to chart my non-scale progress.
As I reflect on the day, I feel in control and optimistic. Today's motto?
Never give up. Never Surrender!
Posted by La at 8:49 PM | Comments (0)August 3, 2005
Hitting Snooze
Why is it that after a wake-up call it is so easy to go right back to sleep again? This past Saturday when I gained a pound, realized that I hadn't been implementing the new good habits I picked up. I really thought that identifying the problem would be enough to quash the offending behavior. This has turned out not to be the case.
The really strange part is I don't even know why I am straying from the program. I feel like I lost my balance somewhere along the way. I am meeting up with a friends from the program tomorrow evening, and I am hoping she can help me get back on track. I have a scary feeling though that this is the kind of thing I have to do on my own.
This morning I did get up and go to the gym only to find that TT (my second trainer) is no longer working at my gym. I saw the man on Monday! When he left did no one think to call people he had appointments with? Clearly the man didn't know he wasn't going to in on Wednesday. I made an appointment wiht yet another trainer for tomorrow morning. Third times the charm?
Quote of the Day:
The charity that hastens to proclaim its good deeds, ceases to be charity, and is only pride and ostentation.
William Hutton
July 30, 2005
The Agony And The Ecstasy
This week I gained 1 pound (new total = 55). It is true, I was disappointed as you can imagine. I was not downtrodden long. I quickly realized a few important things.
1) I partook of many foods this week which were not a part of my program. These things would include a large barn muffin, some roast beef and a lollipop. Not so good. But it isn't as bad as it sounds. I have been eating food I am not meant to for several weeks now, with no negative repercussions. This seemed pretty good for awhile. However, now I realize I will never learn positive habits, if there are no negative results for negative behavior. So I am embracing this pound I gained as an important lesson.
2) I went to the gym 3 times this week! That is three more times than I have been to the gym in weeks. I worked-out with a trainer, and met with my fitness goal for the week. I am VERY pleased.
3) To give myself a boost, I went to Old Navy this afternoon. There I found I could fit into there Regular size 20 jeans and their Plus size 18 jeans. I also managed to wedge myself into a pair of Plus size 16s, but it was touch and go there for a moment and there was no zipping. All that said, I would not have worn any of those pants out of the dressing room. However the fact that I could have, felt really good. Yay me!
Quote of the Day:
"There are only three sins - causing pain, causing fear, and causing anguish. The rest is window dressing."
-Roger Caras
July 28, 2005
Sorry State
Below you will find a series of events that lead to my sorry state today.
1) I went to the gym and had my first appointment with a trainer. We went created an exercise plan that seems (to me anyway) sensible but not wimpy. A three day rotation of a) upper body weights, b) lower body weights, c) straight cardio. Makes sense. So Chuck walked me through the upper body workout, setting the machines (and taking notations on my chart). It was strenuous, but I walked out feeling good. Chuck didn't seem like the brightest bulb. But it was early in the morning, and who among us is at our best at 6:00 am? We agreed that the lower body demo could wait for another day.
Fast forward to yesterday afternoon. I call the fitness center to set up an appointment with Chuck to go over the lower body work out. This is the point when they tell me that Chuck is just a "substitute trainer" who they bring in when the regular trainers can't come in. So I made my follow up appointment with TT. This really irritated me. I am not happy about having to "start over" with a new trainer. TT probably won't say anything really different from Chuck, but all the same!
2)So after all this training business, I donated blood in the office yesterday. The donation itself was a possitive experience, but the after effects were less than fun. My right arm (from which the donation was given) became very sore about an hour afterward. At this point (a day later) my whole upper body is sore and so the pain in my arm just blends in.
The Moral of the Story - Don't give blood after bicep curls.
Editors Note: I have reread this entry and I am horrified by how porrly written it is. I don't have the energy to fix. Just rest assured, yes I know it's bad.
Posted by La at 2:04 PM | Comments (0)July 22, 2005
And The Secretary Makes 5
This week, no less than 5 people in my office, none of which I work with directly, have commented on my weight loss. What a great feeling. The amazing thing is that it took 50+ pounds for people to really start commenting.
People taking notice is kind of scary though. More people handing out compliments mean more people I have talked to about my eating plan. The more people who know about the plan, means more people who would notice if I gain it all back in a year. That is really what I am afraid of. In the end I will have put in the time, the effort and the money, but then will fail in the maintenance phase.
Keeping it off in the long run is the real challenge. A life time of good choices. Wow that sounds big!
In the meantime I will smile, say thank you (and mean it!). Then go mix another shake.
Posted by La at 12:52 PM | Comments (0)July 21, 2005
Getting Down To Business
Part of the whole culture surrounding weightloss is setting goals. I don't have a list of goals to check off on a piece of paper. I do have a few in my head.
Breaking out of the size 20s into the teens. Check
Lose 50 pounds. Check
There a several more goals to come:
Moving from "plus" sizes to "normal" sizes.
Weighing less than 200 pounds (199 will do).
Losing 100 pounds.
These are some serious goals. And I am never going to achieve them. Not if I don't start exercising regularly, and following the eating plan (or lack-of eating plan) more stingently. I really can't be having salads, cheese sticks and deli meat instead of my nutritionally perfect supplements. The out-of-bounds snacking -- No more! I am back on the straight and narrow. I am giving myself one concession. I can have one non-supplement meal (consisting of plain veggies and lean meet) per week. That's it. No more coffee with milk in the morning. No more low carb bread. It's just sugar-free Jell-o and other plan approved foods (of which there are not many) for me!
It is hard to convince myself I need to be more strict with my adherence to the rules when I have had so much success. But honestly, the whole point of this program is to take the time away from food to learn a new healthier way to live. Am I doing that if I am eating on the side? I don't think so.
That is my committment.
Posted by La at 8:39 PM | Comments (0)July 16, 2005
I'll Make This Quick
I lost 5 pounds! That is a total of 52!
My book just arrived. Must read.
Posted by La at 12:12 PM | Comments (0)July 13, 2005
Skeleton
On Monday I rediscovered my collar bones. My collar bones and I have been playing hide-and-seek for 15 years now. The last time I remember seeing them was the tail end of high school. I am still 25 or so pounds away from being the weight I ended HS with, so I am not sure why these bones have popped up now. Not that I am complaining. I kind of missed them.
Continuing on the topic of my weight, I noticed this morning that I take up less space in the seat on the Metro. It was a very encouraging thing to see my weightloss demonstrated in this way. This revelation makes me want to try out all sort of other confined spaces (turnstiles, theater seats, airplane bathrooms, etc.) to see if I can detect a change.
Quote of the Day:
Love flies, runs, and rejoices; it is free and nothing can hold it back.
Thomas a Kempis (1380 - 1471)
July 5, 2005
Nearly There
Today has been filled with packing and feeling mildly crappy. A little upset stomach and headache. A piece of bread and a cup of tea helped a good deal.
Oh I forgot to mention before that I lost another 2 pounds. A new total of 47!
Goodbye and good riddance to big clothes. Flounder took four bags of clothes to the Salvation Army today. I point this out not to give the appearance of being charitable, but to say that there is no longer anything in my closet that is entirely too big. That means that there isn't much in my closet. You can't have everything.
Tomorrow morning will be an early one for us. Up, out and on the road as early as can be. To The Beach!
Quote of the Day:
"I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your pleased too no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew."
-Janet Minor
July 1, 2005
Beach Body
If you have known me for any amount of time, you know I love the beach. The sun, sand, waves and soft breezes all bring me joy. I love the rituals you develope at the beach. The schedules that seem to revolve more around the natural world (position of the sun, tide schedules and weather forcast) than my average day does. It's my own (pseudo) way of getting back to nature.
When it comes to the beach, my weight isn't even a concern. I may look like a beached whale, but hell if I care. I can't imagine a more care-free environment. Maybe that's another reason I love it so much.
Flounder and I leave Tuesday for NC. A few days by the shore, then to GRP's wedding back again the following Sunday. As per usual, I feel totally unprepared for this trip. The are clothes to shop for, (what am I going to where?) laundry to do, the car to clean out, provision to stock (fresh sunscreen and the like), beach books to buy, the list goes on and on. I better start cracking on the list. Something is bound to fall through the cracks. I just hope it isn't remembering to pack my new bathing suit.
Yesterday I realized that my current weight is the least I have weighed in this century. Which is a big deal for me. I just can't wait to break the 200 mark. That probably won't be until mid-Fall at the earliest, but it's nice to know that day is coming.
Quote of the Day:
Poverty is the parent of revolution and crime.
Aristotle
June 26, 2005
Low Down
4 more pounds this week. That's now 45. So close to 50!
Posted by La at 7:42 AM | Comments (1)June 22, 2005
In Coming
I spent far too much time yesterday adjusting my top so that the front of my bra wasn't hanging out. Of course this is my favorite top that I bought right before I started the program. Now it must be retired. Oh and did I mention that all of the big-wigs in my department decended out our office yesterday almost entirely with out warning?
I love it when they do that.
Posted by La at 10:18 AM | Comments (0)June 19, 2005
We Fall Down
Another 4 pounds this week. Who knew? Not me. A new total of 41 pounds lost.
Perusing the selection of Father's Day cards today I wondered, where are the cards for the mediocer-to-poor fathers? I can't say I have a father figure in my life that deserve all of the praise heaped by the cards I found. Hero? Confidant? Wise Teacher? Yeah, not so much. I settled on one of the goofy funny cards and called it a day. I don't think I should have to celebrate Father's Day, when my fathers have been so very lacking.
Flounder and I realized that we have become something akin to lumps mascarading as young vital 20-somethings. When did we become an old couple that never leaves the house (well nearly, work doesn't count)? We aren't married yet, shouldn't we be dating?!? Yes we should. So with that in mind we went to see Batman Begins Friday night, and went bowling Saturday night.
Batman Begins was really terrific. It made all of the odd mysteries surrounding Batman make sense. Things like: How DID he build the Bat Cave? Where dose he get all those cool gadgets? You know. The movie even had an important message to impart. "We fall down so we can learn to pick ourselves back up". Not bad for an action/comic book film!
Bowling was fun. The two of use a truely awful. Flounder bowls his ball like he has a serious hate on for the bowling lane. I can never find a ball my fingers fit in comfortably, plus Iam left handed, so I walked away with rather sore fingers. But the suckage was kind of funny -- especially since we were both so very very bad. Like my personal high score for the evening was 48. Let me remind you that a 300 is a perfect game. Getting the picture?
Today Flounder and I went back to St. Mark's. We both enjoyed the service and the preaching of the church's pastor who was traveling the last time we visited. We haven't decided to join just yet, but I think we are both still getting very positive feelings about the place.
The reason I love the sea I cannot explain -- it's physical. When you dive you begin to feel like an angel. It's a liberation of your weight.
-Jacques-Yves Cousteau
